At Home Menu: Forgiveness

Updated: Oct 19, 2021

This is a menu - don’t try to eat it all! Pick one or two suggestions to try at home.

“We do not have to do everything and we definitely do not have to do it with perfection.” - Rev. Dr. Tanya Eustace Campen

“Forgiveness comes sometimes in droplets, in bits and pieces. We need to think of [forgiveness] as a practice, as living into something.” - Miroslav Volf

(Printable menus are at bottom.)

For Adults

Appetizer: Getting hungry for spiritual practice:
- Take the “costs and benefits of forgiveness” quiz (Download)

Watch the video of a comedian and her partner making amends: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/video/item/how_to_make_a_good_apology

Main Course: Tasting the practice:
- Try a forgiveness meditation: Say to yourself: "I now remember the many ways others have hurt or harmed me, wounded me, out of fear, pain, confusion, and anger. I have carried this pain in my heart too long. To the extent that I am ready, I offer them forgiveness. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.” Let yourself gently repeat these directions for forgiveness until you feel a release in your heart. For some great pains you may not feel a release but only the burden and the anguish or anger you have held. Touch this softly. Be forgiving of yourself for not being ready to let go and move on. Forgiveness cannot be forced; it cannot be artificial. Simply continue the practice. - Jack Kornfield
- Try one of these other short spiritual practices for forgiveness:
Dessert: Using the practice to sweeten my life:
- Ponder the nine steps to “Forgiving for Good” at https://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps. The author, researcher Fred Luskin writes, “Remember that a life well-lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.”
Digest: Absorbing the meaning of the practice:
- Read Chapter 2, “Forgiveness: Letting Go to Move Forward,” in The Hopeful Family: Raising Resilient Children in Uncertain Times by Amelia Richardson Dress, available on Kindle
- “Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.” - Paul Boesey

For Youth

Appetizer: Getting hungry for spiritual practice:
- Find out “How Forgiving Are You?” with this quiz: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/forgiveness
- Think of a time you forgave someone. Sit in quiet for a moment remembering what that felt like to let go of the desire for revenge. Revenge doesn’t have to mean that you wanted to hurt them personally, although it can. It might mean that you wanted to see them hurt, or that you wanted to prove to yourself and to them that you were right and they were wrong. - From The Hopeful Family: Raising Resilient Children in Uncertain Times by Amelia Richardson Dress
- Reflect on ways forgiveness does and doesn’t happen throughout the course of your week. Keep a journal and note situations of small and large conflict and how they were resolved (or not). Share your reflections with a trusted family member or friend.
Main Course: Tasting the practice:
- Read about what forgiveness is and what it isn’t: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition
- Use this interactive platform to practice privately forgiving yourself or another person: https://fetzer.org/letting-go
Dessert: Using the practice to sweeten my life:
- Susan Pendleton Jones and L. Gregory Jones write in Forgiveness: Letting Go, “Christian forgiveness is not only a word spoken or heard, a gesture offered or received, an emotion experienced or transformed; it’s a way of life to be lived in faithful response to the gracious love of God at work in our world and in our lives.” See where you are going in this journey by completing the “Be a forgiving person” worksheet (Download)

Here is a ritual to help dissipate the desire for revenge. Vowing never to seek revenge is not the same as vowing never to want to get even again. People will hurt you and you will want to get even with them. This is just part of human life. When you feel like getting back at someone who has hurt you, write out on a piece of paper your plan for getting even. Make one up if you don't actually have one. Then with prayers to become a more forgiving person, burn the paper in a small pot, in the fireplace, or over a candle. As the paper goes up in smoke, ask that your own desire for revenge go up with it. Then renew your vow never to seek revenge. - Tom Cowan in The Way of the Saints

Digest: Absorbing the meaning of the practice:
- “Forgiveness is not absolving someone from the responsibility of what they have done. What they did was wrong; you are simply choosing to not let it negatively impact you (and your relationship) anymore.” - The Power of Forgiveness film

For Kids

Appetizer: Getting hungry for spiritual practice:
- “Forgiving in my family” worksheet (Download)

Main Course: Tasting the practice:
- Learn how to make a confession prayer. Think of it as a way to acknowledge your mistakes within a spirit of love. You can use a simple, “I’m sorry for” or “I wish I hadn’t...” - From The Hopeful Family: Raising Resilient Children in Uncertain Times by Amelia Richardson Dress
- Try this confession prayer when you are walking outside. Rocks remind us of the stone that was rolled away on Easter morning, inviting us to see that Jesus is not dead. Indeed, he is alive and with us wherever we go. When you see a rock, stop and take time to talk to God:

God, thank you for Jesus.

I am sorry I [fill in the blank].

Help me focus on you as I share your love with others. Amen.

Dessert: Using the practice to sweeten my life:
- Practice conflict resolution with your siblings or friends, using the help of a trusted adult and the following process:
  - Pick a grown-up to help.
  - When everyone is calm, sit down together in a quiet place.
  - Have each person tell their side of the story, with no interruptions.
  - Change roles. Be sure you can explain how the other person feels, even if you don’t agree.
  - Brainstorm at least three ways to solve the problem.
  - Choose a solution that both people can agree to.
Digest: Absorbing the meaning of the practice:
- God forgives us and asks us to forgive others.

For Families

Appetizer: Getting hungry for spiritual practice:
- Discuss with each other:
  - Do you find it easier to forgive or to be forgiven?
  - Who do you know who forgives well? In what ways does this person forgive well?
  - Who has taught you the most about forgiveness?
  - How is forgiveness a part of your daily life?
  - How do you benefit by being a forgiving person?
  - If you wanted to become better at forgiving, where would you start?
Main Course: Tasting the practice:
- Create a family forgiveness ritual. Write something you want to forgive on a small piece of paper. In a candle flame or a backyard fire pit, burn the paper as you practice one of the steps of forgiveness. Let it be a symbol of what you’ve let go of in your quest to forgive. From The Hopeful Family: Raising Resilient Children in Uncertain Times by Amelia Richardson Dress
Dessert: Using the practice to sweeten my life:
- At least once a week, ask members of your household to forgive you for anything you might have done unintentionally to hurt them in any way. Say, ”In the name of Christ, forgive me if I have offended you." The ritual response is, "Christ will forgive you."
Digest: Absorbing the meaning of the practice:
- “The people we love most are exactly the people we hurt and are hurt by most often - which is why the family is the perfect place to practice reconciliation and forgiveness.” - Amelia Richardson Dress